People sometimes say they’re living a life they’ve always dreamed of, as if they always fantasized about living in specific places, with specific people, doing specific things in a specific way. Sometimes they say they have their dream job, or dream partner, or live in their dream house. Or that they’d always dreamed of having kids.
Lately, I’ve tried to figure out what I wished for when I was younger, and I’ve come up blank almost every time. I realized that I’ve rarely ever wished for anything concrete.
I do know, though, that I’ve always known what I wanted to feel in my potential future everyday life.
Like: I’ve always wanted emotional depth and psychological safety. After I left my first long term boyfriend, I no longer cared if I ended up with one partner, no partners, or multiple – so long as I could give and receive love, in whatever forms they took. I knew I wanted to be around a person (or people) that made me feel seen, understood, accepted, and loved. I knew I wanted tenderness, laughter, and childlike wonder in my everyday existence. I knew I never really wanted to grow up.
Like something out of a story, I found all of that and so much more. I wake up every day next to the most beautiful, kind, intelligent, exciting, intriguing, talented, and caring person I’ve ever encountered. When we first met, we both admitted that we felt like we’d known each other for thousands of years. He sees me, and loves me – for me. And I look at him in shock every day: how could someone like you love someone like me as much as I love you?
Like anyone else, I always hoped for a basic level of financial security. Work was always a way to pay rent and bills, and spend the rest on things or experiences that nourished my soul, so I never fantasized about a particular job. At most, I wished I’d eventually find something that I enjoyed, was good at, and paid well enough to keep me secure.
I used to envy people who always knew what they wanted for a career. Now, though, I’m glad I didn’t have a clear idea of what I wanted to do, because staying open, and trying (and failing) at whatever opportunities crossed my path has led me here: to a career that doesn’t suck the emotional energy out of me, that I enjoy most of the time, and that has created the kind of financial security that allows for comfort and peace.
For a long time, I saw having children as an inevitability – likely because of the demographic I grew up with, who appeared to believe that a house, a marriage, and kids were baseline markers of adulthood (and the guaranteed way to attain happiness). It wasn’t until I interrogated my assumptions and my deepest values that I looked around and realized that most people never ask themselves, “am I doing this because I really want it, or because it’s expected of me?”
A lot of the people I grew up with married the first person who seemed good enough, bought houses where they grew up, had kids, and settled down quickly. They saw what their parents did, and decided to repeat it; maybe because they wanted what their parents had, or maybe because they didn’t know any better.
I almost did the same thing. I almost married my first long term partner, who wanted kids. With him, I almost set roots down in the same city I grew up in, without seeing the world – not just on annual trips to Bali or Europe, but actually living in different places, and making a conscious, informed decision to return.
I see the magic of parenthood, especially in those that love it and knew ahead of time what they were signing up for. I understand the drive, the curiosity, the desire to see what it’s all about, to be part of the club. To fully surrender, and let biology and hormones make you feel entirely new (and overwhelmingly beautiful) things that make the pain and sleepless nights totally worth it.
I also understand – too well – that parenthood is a one-way door.
Learning that rest, serenity, freedom, stability, and (most of all) our desire to keep deepening our relationship is more important to us than creating potential new people has been an incredible process, and it’s brought us closer in ways I didn’t think were possible.
Past me made just as many bad decisions as good ones, but the good decisions (like saying yes to adventure and living overseas, and interrogating my assumptions and society’s expectations around parenthood) have been the ones that I think about every single day with nothing but pure, aching gratitude. Because all of those decisions led me to where I am right now.
Did I always dream of living in this exact house, in this location, with this specific person, doing this job every day?
No.
Did I always dream of deep love and connection, security, freedom, living somewhere beautiful, and daily laughter and joy?
Yes.
So, am I living the life I always dreamed of?
Yes.
